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I think I'm GAY

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  • Once in a while I realise it and then I forget. Over and over. All my life is a swing - Oh fuck I'm gay - Yeah, I'm gay that makes sense - No, I'm not gay I like MEN - I can't possibly be gay - No I'm not gay not gay not gay not gay - Fuck being a woman sucks - Fuck being with men sucks - Fuck my life I wish I was gay - and then I watch lesbian porn.

    In high school I was the unhappiest outsider EVER. My relationships with men always border obsession and insanity. My relationships with women - nonexistent. I HATE this. Why don't I just date women for hell's sake?

    What's fun is - I always KNEW I was gay. I remember being a kid and grasping the concept for the first time and thinking - oh, yeah. I am that. And a huge sense of guilt about it. But then I loved everything gay. Gay men, gay women, gay shows, gay characters in film. I was also in love with a female friend of mine throughout my high school years.

    But then I think about it... and the more I think about it the less it makes sense... I have SO many relational issues... eating disorders, self-harming, paranoia, attention problems, schizophrenic forms of thinking, OCD... you name it, I have it. People also say I'm on the autistic spectrum. Can it all be fixed by that one magic word? Really? Come on, it can't be that simple.

    I have zero social life. I hate going out. Everytime I go out I find myself fearing men and checking out women, fearing women and checking out men. I am in this tormented relationship with a guy who loves the hell out of me and I love him to death too... but it just seems we can't be together, and it's mostly me the one who freaks out. Maybe I'm just a nymphomaniac, or an emotional wreck, or a 23-year-old child with no control over her own emotions. No idea, no clue.

    I hate this. I'd date a girl but my phone is broken and I hate the thought of going uptown to have it repaired because I'm gay and I feel horrible about my body.

    I didn't mention I'm a stunning looking lady but I feel like a little monster inside and I have to look at the mirror to remember how I actually look.

    WHAAAAAT?S GOING ON HERE I HAVE NO CLUE and I've been on therapy for YEARS. Fuck my life.



    Posted 10 months ago


    Comments (3)

    • Sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with being gay. But until you embrace it, you're always going to feel like your life doesn't fit. Stop listening to the haters (especially the ones in your head) and just be true to yourself. Happiness is on the other side of the wall of self acceptance.


      Posted 10 months ago

    • You could be bisexual as well. I had the same problem and I am bi. You can only listen to your heart and love who you love. No gender is required.


      Posted 10 months ago

    • You could be bisexual as well. I had the same problem and I am bi. You can only listen to your heart and love who you love. No gender is required.


      Posted 10 months ago

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