Post Breakup thoughts

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  • I repress my feelings, my joy, my happiness, my excitement, my enthusiasm. Obviously I also repress, anger, sadness, and all the negative feelings. But I think repressing my positive feeling is wreaking havoc on my relationships. I have a hard time being vulnerable around others, I have a hard time expressing my true feelings around others, I have a hard time revealing my true self to others. I have a hard time with all of this, even with those that I love. I am almost positive that this is why Heather has left me.
    When you decided to leave me for the third time, I was shocked, and in denial for awhile, even angry at times. You said you felt like I didn't have your back, like I wasn't with you, and I only had my interests in mind. I wish you could see that is not true. Now I am filled with sadness and despair. All these problems I have keep, returning back to my sexual abuse as a child. The shame, the guilt, the fear, it has all caused me to hide my true self from others. I felt like I could break down my walls with you. I just needed more time. I felt like you were close to me. I needed you to be close to me. As a man approaching 40, I feel there like I am less than other men. I feel like I have been hiding my whole life, afraid to go out and live. I know you loved me. You deserve to be loved, and have a fulfilling relationship. You shouldn't have to wait for me to heal myself. I don't blame you for leaving. I guess I just wish you were more understanding, more compassionate, more patient. I think we had something special, and I wanted to vulnerable around you more than anything. I wanted to be able to bear my soul. I know you probably felt the way you did, because I repress my feelings, whether it be joy, excitement or anger or despair. I think I had a hard time showing my excitement for your triumphs, and victories. I had a hard time showing my joy for you. I wish you knew that just because I didn’t show my happiness on my sleeve, that does not mean I was not beaming inside. I am lost without you. Now I have to learn to move on, and learn how to heal my past. I have to get comfortable in my own skin, and let my true self be revealed to others. It will not be easy, I just wish you were going to be there to see it.

    Posted 8 months ago

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