The daughter I never wanted

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  • My husband said "you're being a real bitch lately, I think you should take a pregnancy test." And I disregarded him saying "no, you're just really pissing me off." But I did pee on a stick. The first minute it showed one line so I left it on the sink. I went back in to take a pre an you later and then there were two. I threw it at his head. That night I took 8 more pregnancy tests and collapsed on the kitchen floor in tears. I cried for three more days. I didnt tell anyone at work for three more week, but continued to smoke a pack of cigerrettes a day because I couldn't breath normal air. When I finally had to go to the doctors I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant. Everyone who found out congradulate me while I contemplated killing myself everyday. The more my stomach pprtuded and my skin stretched the more I loathed that child. I used to scrap nail across my wrists wanting to free my pain because I was ugly, I was worthless at work, because I was always tired. O threw up every morning for 6 months after i started taking the prenatals. I hated my husband because he ruined my career by making me apart of the 0.06% of females who get pregnant on birth control. He was lazy and didn't want to help me clean the house, expected me to make food, and watch the budget all while working myself. I finally ralked myself into excitement for a boy, but then the ultra aound showed a girl. I cried in the xray room and threw the pictures on the floor and left. When i was big enough to feel her move i would punch my stomach because it just wouldn't stop. I hated the feeling of her poking and prodding. I hated everything about that little girl, the girl I never met. When the day came for her to come, she still didn't show and I spent another week waddling around with my hip slipping out of place. At 0400 i started having contractions and they didn't stop all through the day. At midnight I went to the hospital because I couldn't walk, talk, or eat they were coming so fast. I was sent away to walk around 3 flights of stairs and drive 20 minutes away. I spent the night alone in the arm chair, or huddled in the shower floor begging for it to stop. I didn't sleep that night and I watch the sunrise to the next day. My family woke up and took me in to my appointment at 2 pm. They sent me to labor and delivery where I cried in the bed and was denied drugs. 2 hours later I was pushing out this baby that I loathed. I wanted her out of me. I felt her tear my vagina and break my tail bone. I hated her more and more with every ounce of pain I endured. When she was finally out the doctor put her on my stomach. I didn't want to touch her and asked them to take her away. It was the first time since I found out I was pregnant that I felt free. I was happy and I had so much energy. They offered to let me hold her and I shrugged it off so I could spend a minute more in bliss. When I had to take her, I looked at her and it wasn't love that flowed through me but an understanding. This fragile, innocent being needed me and I didn't have a choice to loath her. She was mine no matter how I felt. She relied on my care and therefore I had to serve her. I don't know when it happened but one day I realized how much I actually loved her. Truly and genuinely loved her after a year she's been alive. I feel like such a failure for hating her so much. That's not how a mother is, but that's how I was. But finally, I actually love my daughter.

    Posted 2 weeks ago

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